Operation Tiny Human

Well, after eight years of being together and being married for almost three years, we have made the executive decision to make a baby (on purpose).

No one explains to you the intricacies of making a baby (I know where the parts go). Does anyone explain how long it takes from sex to conception? Does anyone tell you what to look for in pregnancy? Obviously every pregnancy is different, but when you go through it you want support and resources. I am a vessel, for a baby and for knowledge. I want to learn everything! The scary, the gross and the abnormal.

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(Most recent blog on top)

Letting the Waiting Commerce 9/12/18

We have passed our ovulation window. It was an exhausting week of 'trying'. After that I was like don't even touch me or look at me because I'm tired. But now I'm crazy paranoid because my period is due soon and I don't feel any different. Not much has changed this time around so I'm unsure if I'm pregnant or not. But I guess we WI find out relatively soon! Wish my uterus luck :) 

Sorry, I have been MIA 8/29/18

To the no one that reads that, I apologize I have been MIA. I had a terrible period, which lasted its usual 2 days, but still totally kicked my ass. I am definitely not a fan of this shit. But then I had a lot going on at home, then Austin & I hit a snag, but now we are back on track. Especially since it's OVULATION TIME BITCHES. I am more confident this go-around since my period was at its normal time and since it came in with vengeance, I think it was its own way of telling me, 'okay, now we are ready for operation let's make a baby, part 2.' I am feeling pretty good. Today is like peak ovulation time, but that hasn't kept us from our regularly scheduled programming. Well, let's see if this takes! I'll keep the no one posted on my uterus.

The Period from Hell 8/18/18

So y'all, I really thought my body was back on track and there was this glimmer of hope. But this afternoon I started to feel like absolute shit. My back is killing me, I got cramps and I'm bloated AF. So in bad nnews, probably not pregnant. But at least I know I'm having a real period, unlike my previous period. So I guess that's good news? EVEN THOUGH I FEEL TERRIBLE. 

Human Bodies are Weird! 8/14/2018

Well, here I am. I am post-ovulation, pre-potential period. And I am playing this stupid waiting game. After going at it for like a week, I'm like emotionally tired from intercourse. I'm like if it aint for science, I aint doing it! I would like to say I am kidding, but only partially.

Anyway, the reason I am updating is because Saturday night I started to notice some red/brown/pink discharge. Which was only 4 days after my ovulation date. I started to panic, because every day this week I have had brown discharge. Which wouldn't be a big deal if it was a little bit here and there, but it's like every day and I am sick of it. What does it mean? Am I dying? Am I pregnant? Am I going to get my period? SOMEONE TELL ME!

I don't know what any of this means, I sure don't understand the human body. The only solace I can find is the fact that I take copious notes of everything and anything that my body does on my Flo app. I looked back and had similar symptoms in April and May, before I conceived. Does this mean anything? I have no idea. Does it help me cope? No it does not.

I will just use my trusty friend, the Internet!  Stay tuned :)

Normalcy 8/2/2018

I feel normal. I feel like myself again. I feel like everything is going to be fine. This emotion that I elicit is something that since our miscarriage I have been longing to feel. You go through the motions of being pregnant, miscarrying, coping, waiting and then finally you get your wonderful period and everything feels right in the world.

I know this journey, for a lot of women looks different, but I don't have any issues talking about our miscarriage now. But the first couple of weeks after it happened, I felt like a shell of a woman. I was out of my body, nothing made sense and I struggled to find joy in my friends' lives who were happily pregnant or having kids. We chose not to tell people because we needed to live in our own world and then once we slowly started to tell people I got so tired of the pity looks and overly sympathetic responses. We had come to terms with it and I honestly wanted to move forward, but the more people we told the more we felt like we had to relive it over and over and over and over and over again.

I am not an overly emotional person (on the outside), but inside I felt betrayed and hurt. And now, I feel normal and I feel whole again. We get back into a routine and are obsessively checking my fertility window like weirdos. But it's nice to feel like myself again. 💓

Mother Nature Update 7/30/2018

Like I suspected, Aunt Flo was pretty normal. Only about two days of a flow...which I guess I am happy about? I am not quite sure. Since having my IUD out, my periods have been really short, which is a tad abnormal for me. I am not sure if that means my uterus isn't ready for a baby, or this is my new normal. Dear Internet, do your periods change after you have your IUD removed? ANSWER: YES! After giving myself a near-death heart attack thinking I could be PERIMENOPAUSAL, it seems that you can experience lighter periods after your IUD (non-hormonal) is removed. So I guess I will go with that answer, and not the perimenopausal answer.

But now since my super short period is over, I gotta wait another 7 days to ovulate and hot damn am I impatient.

We are making room in our rooms and womb for this child.

FINALLY MOTHER NATURE 7/26/2018

What has felt like an eternity, my period has finally made its grand appearance. After the miscarriage, I assumed it would take weeks to get back to normal. But, as luck would have it, almost a month to the day we miscarried, Aunt Flo showed up. I'm excited because it means my body has officially hot the restart button and is ready to try this baby thing again. 

I'll keep y'all posted on how Aunt Flo treats me post-miscarriage. 

Now What? 7/16/2018

We are officially two weeks post-finding out we miscarried. I did indeed take a pregnancy test this morning (thank God I put a Google Alert on my phone to remind me first thing this morning). It was negative and I was relieved to know that I had successfully gone through my first miscarriage without any real complications. I am truly blessed to have Austin in my life who has been very considerate and respectful of me during this time. I feel like the last two weeks my body has been on hold, and I so desperately wanted to feel normal. Having sex after we miscarried was a surreal experience because we have been so conditioned to have sex to make a baby, but we are back to having sex and NOT making a baby. I am also in this awful window of waiting for my period, because does it come at normal time? Is it early? Is it late? Will it be like my other periods? Oh god, will it be heavier? Will it be lighter? I HAVE NO IDEA WHAT TO EXPECT! I am very Type-A, so I gotta know when this damn thing is coming. 

What has shocked me is that even though I know I want to have a baby, I had no idea how badly I want to have a baby. Once I had that little glimmer of hope before our miscarriage, I was so giddy and excited. After it was taken away, I was like, YES! I WANT A BABY! I did not have any doubt in my mind that this is what is next for us. It gave me a sense of peace. So here we are, waiting for my period and anxious to get back at it. 

Aftermath and Moving Forward 7/13/2018

I had came to terms with our miscarriage and my logical brain said that my body was just not ready. I had to accept that, because worrying and dreading that I was to blame was not going to help the process. I found out later that it really affected Austin, in more ways than I thought. We have talked more and more about it which has helped us both cope, but I genuinely think not having seen the doctor and hearing a heartbeat, really helped us cope. It was just this figment of our imagination the entire time. I am in NO WAY discrediting pregnancy, but I do think it helped us cope by never seeing the little blip. I started telling my close friends about the miscarriage and they were incredibly kind. But the more people I told, the more people told me that they had experienced one too. How is it that we can so openly talk about the joys in pregnancy, but not miscarriages? They happen more often than we think and no one is talking about. I have 0 qualms talking about my bodily functions, so I had no problem discussing my miscarriage with people. It is a natural part of life. I think there is a combination of embarrassment (like I somehow let everyone down) and pride (like how could I let this happen to ME?). It unfortunately is the way I felt, but at the end of the day, I knew that I was not going to let this miscarriage define me, it was just apart of me. 

We miscarried 7/2/2018

After not hearing anything from my doctor all day, I finally caved and called. I left a message and within 10 minutes I had got a call back from the nurse saying we had non viable pregnancy, which I guess is the medical way to say you miscarried. My HCG had dropped from 50 (on Friday) to 23 (on Sunday). I was instructed to take a pregnancy test in two weeks to make sure it's negative and to wait until my next period to try again. She asked if I had any questions, which of course at the time I did not, and that to call them back if I experience any excessive bleeding or cramping. I was lucky because based on my stupid ally, the Internet, I was to be bleeding like Mount Vesuvius and cramping like I had been kicked in the stomach. I never really experienced anything too painful, which could mean I was not as far along as I had expected, or my body is a master at this? I have no idea, but either way, from the horror stories of the Internet, I really dodged a bullet! 

Once I called Austin to tell him the news, I went about my life, got on Google and looked up aftercare for a miscarriage. When can I have sex again? Is my period going to be at a normal time? Why did I miscarry? Could I have prevented it? Of course these were all things after the initial shock of miscarrying had passed. We told our family that we had definitely miscarried and they were supportive (as always) and very sympathetic. It is a weird thing to go through because the more people we told, the more we realized it happens ALL THE DAMN TIME! 

So what's next? 

Something is happening (trigger post) 6/28/2018 & 6/29/2018

We were really excited to be pregnant! I started to have some light brown discharge that following day, but according to the internet, that was to be expected in your first trimester. I did not really think much about it because it was not red. Then Tuesday it started to turn more of a rust color, but again, did not think much about it. Then Wednesday it was still rust colored in the morning, and then turned to brown and bloody by the afternoon. I started to have more blood by late afternoon that later turned to brown discharge, then by the evening it was red and rust colored. Thursday rolled around it was back to being brown discharge and then to red by lunchtime. I started to develop clots with my discharge from that point on. It never turned to brown and continued to stay red. Later that evening we were watching TV and I started to have some very very mild cramping (like less worse than my period). I went to the bathroom to pee and while I was doing that, a very large piece of tissue came out of my body. After I fished it out of the toilet (I had to do it, I was very curious) I examined it. 

At the time I did not know what it was and my trusted ally, the internet, told me that I more than likely miscarried. It was really hard to come to terms with, but I knew if my body was not ready for a baby then I had to accept that. We had just got out of the window of 'waiting three months' after my IUD was removed. Some of the internet had said that they have passed tissue without miscarrying, so that gave me a small glimmer of hope. Friday morning I awoke with more tissue.

At this point, we still had not told anyone. I finally caved and told my brother-in-law and his wife. She told me it looked like I had miscarried, but to call my OBGYN and see what they say. I finally made the dreaded phone call around 11 a.m. and did not hear from them till 2 p.m. that day. My OBGYN's nurse asked me about what I was experiencing and said she would talk to the doctor on call about our next steps. I was instructed to get blood work done that day and then 48 hours later (which meant driving to Lawrence for a 10 minute ordeal). I told Austin that we needed to go to Lawrence, so we made our journey to Lawrence to spend 10 minutes in the hospital getting my blood stolen. We finally decided since we told some family, to tell my family. When we showed up at my parent's house my mom was confused but I told her we might be pregnant and she shouted out, "I thought you were! I kept having dreams you were!" Okay crazy lady...but then told her we also might have miscarried. 

We ended up telling most of our immediate family since they deserved to know and they were being so supportive in our journey to get pregnant. Everyone kept asking how we were and we were honestly fine, because we did not know anything. We went in Sunday for our final blood draw and then proceeded to wait an excruciatingly long time for the doctor to call us on Monday. 

So we got pregnant! 6/21/2018- 6/24/2018

You might be asking yourself, Daphne, if you got pregnant isn't this blog irrelevant? Well, yes and no. I'll explain later.

In mid-June, I was expecting my period to come. Austin was out of town for a bachelor party and I was left alone all weekend. I felt fine, no problems, except I was crying watching shows like The Goldbergs and movies like Coco, but all in all, I felt fine. I kept expecting my period and it never came. I usually start to get some brown discharge leading up to my period, but every time I went to the bathroom, nothing. I thought, well maybe you are stressed, but how could that be with a house to myself, freedom to do whatever the hell I want and all the food to eat? It was the dope-st, and I was living it up! Austin was not expected home till Monday afternoon, so I did not think anything of it. I took a pregnancy test on Sunday since my period was now 2 days late and the internet (my trusted ally) told me that pregnancy tests can tell you as soon as one day after your missed period. However, I am a total cheap ass and only had Dollar Tree pregnancy tests. I took on and it said negative. I thought once I got a confirmation I was not pregnant, my body would relax and I would get my period. Each day after that, nothing, nothing and more nothing. I finally caved and told Austin, I do think I am pregnant because I am almost a week late and that NEVER happens. We decided to take a pregnancy test on Thursday morning (6/21) and it had a very faint positive line. I was like oh shit, we are pregnant! WOO! But holy shit, what do I do next?

We thought it best not to tell anyone until we were for sure that we were pregnant. It was kind of a fun secret to have with just Austin. However, I had to not drink alcohol around his family (which is a tell that you are pregnant) and had to limit my caffeine. I became obsessed with the food I can and cannot eat. I accidentally ate some sushi the day before (unbeknownst to me that I was pregnant). I limited my caffeine and by limited, I mean I straight up measured out the amount of coffee I could have and then poured it into my mug....like I said, obsessed! 

Well, I we waited a few more days to see if the test was a bit more readable. So Saturday morning, before I was slated to be at work all day for an event, I took a test. This test was much clearer to see. I did not want to tell Austin that I took another pregnancy test, so I did not take a picture of it. We agreed to take one Sunday morning, and we did, this one was much more positive and easy to see:

We were pretty excited, but still not telling anyone about it. I called my OBGYN Monday morning to schedule our first appointment (after I Googled, what do I do after I find out I am pregnant?). They said they want to schedule it around 8-weeks, and according to my app and last period it would be around July 6th- so appointment was scheduled. Oh hey doctors, when someone finds out they are pregnant, it is not usually something they want to sit on and wait a week or two to see you. We want to see you as soon as we find out! I understand it can be hard to determine a pregnancy early on, but come on, I wanted to come in ASAP! I was really excited, nervous and scared because I have never been pregnant before and I EXHIBITED ZERO SIDE EFFECTS OF PREGNANCY! By zero, I mean zero-was not sick, did not vomit and my boobs did not hurt. I was pretty jazzed to think that this was how my pregnancy would go. We continued to live our private life of being pregnant. 

Our Journey

We decided in January of 2018 I would have my Paragard IUD (intrauterine device) removed so that we could start trying for a baby. I was informed by my OBGYN because of our recent trip to Mexico in November, we should wait 6 months from the time we got back to start trying because of the Zika virus. That was really discouraging because I was ready to start and being told to wait was rough. I did not really care though, and we did not use protection after my IUD was removed.

That started my relationship with the internet once my IUD was removed. Why you may ask? Well, the doctor said good luck and I hope to see you soon! Of course I did not have any questions at the time, but once I was left alone with my thoughts, I started to Google the shit out of stuff.  I first looked into how long you should wait before you start trying; three months, six months, a year? Most of the internet said wait three months, use protection and you should be good to go. We never managed to get pregnant within the first three months, so we were in the clear. We have also successfully passed the Zika window, so that is a sigh of a relief, because even though I did not care I truly did care if my hypothetical baby contracted it.  

What is happening?